Mother Mothering Motherhood
Each one of us who embrace living and try to find purpose and joy in our lives, is in infinite debt to a woman.
In addition to the psychological role mothers play in the life of their children, there is also the biological aspect of motherhood – a phenomenal biology so mind blowing as a single cell embryo called a zygote, meaning joined together, transforms itself day by day for nine months, becoming a pumping heart, an entire intricate body, a mysterious mind with a whole life ahead.
So here I am reflecting on Motherhood as we approach yet another Mother’s Day.
Decades have passed since my body carried two lives, two little hearts pumping in rhythm with mine, feeding from my body and then bursting with such force into the world, my world, making my heart overflow with a love I didn’t know was possible to experience. Suddenly, I was given the golden opportunity to care deeply for two brand new souls, more than I ever cared for my own.
For centuries March has been kept by the Catholic Church as a celebration of the Annunciation to Mary by the Archangel Gabriel that she was to become the mother of Jesus.
Appropriately, this month was chosen because it is nine months before December, traditionally celebrated as the month of the birth of Jesus.
The Feast of the Annunciation was celebrated as far back as the 4th or 5th century. It is no coincidence that over time, a Sunday in March, became a celebration of all motherhood, and this tradition continues in the United Kingdom.
Interestingly Anna Jarvis who first introduced the concept of Mother's Day in 1914 was childless and intended that the celebratory day include aunts, godmothers, and those who mother the children of others. Additionally in many indigenous cultures childrearing was the responsibility of the whole tribe and not solely that of the mother and father. What a wonderful concept for parents and children alike with a lot less sleepless nights.
These days in most modern societies a mother must cope alone with just a few days in hospital followed by a lack of support in the community, a far cry from indigenous cultures where a new mother was nurtured and supported to enable her to nurture her new-born
.
Sadly, the Catholic Church concept of linking motherhood with Mary the ‘holy’ mother of Jesus, created in our society impossible expectations on mere mortal women entering motherhood. As a mother she is suddenly expected to cope, to be perfect, self-sacrificing, always present with a smile on her face. Nothing but perfection will do.
How many times have we heard derogatory phrases such as:-
To be a mother is to be guilty.
With a mother like that, what would you expect?
She failed to breastfeed.
She can’t keep her kids quiet.
She is far too strict; she is killing her children's spirit.
She left her kids to go out to work. Our culture still condemns the working mother.
She failed to provide a good future for her children by not going to work. Our culture still takes for granted the home maker, never stopping to consider her exhaustion, her boredom, the killing of her brain cells and the invisibility the stay at home mother endures. Not to mention, that she may grow old impoverished and , in many cases, end up as ageing tillers or cleaners.
And the list goes on and on. But one that makes a bit more sense to me is,
“If one day you have children you will understand”.
So, let’s honour all mothers. Motherhood is as diverse and complex as the mothers and the tiny humans they are responsible for nurturing to maturity and beyond.
Let’s liberate mothers from societal pressure to be perfect, to bring up perfect children. Let’s rejoice in the messy business of being human.
Let’s celebrate the efforts of all mothers; their struggles, their sleepless nights, the constant worry and exhaustion, the immense joy and love they pour into their children, the constant niggling doubt that runs like a broken record in most mothers’ minds:-
Have I done enough?
Am I a good enough mother?
The paediatrician and psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott is famously known for his theory of the ‘good enough mother’. He believed that all a child needs to survive and thrive is a good enough parent of care giver. Good enough parents do not strive to be perfect parents and do not expect perfection from their children.
Well, thank you Doctor Winnicott!
So, let’s honour these female bodies whose hips are too small for a baby’s head to pass through resulting in human babies arriving unformed. Helpless little creatures, the most adult dependent animal in the kingdom.
Let’s applaud these women as they carry their babies inside their bodies for nine long months, painfully bringing new life into this world.
Let’s respect without judgement those who say no to motherhood. They, can sometimes, bring other extraordinary projects into life. I agree with Anaïs Nin who said,
“Motherhood is a vocation like any other. It should be freely chosen, not imposed upon woman”.
Let’s say a little prayer to the mothers forever grieving the babies who came too weak to survive or the mothers who are too sick to care for their children, and the mothers of children who will forever need their care.
Let’s support the activist mother who is fighting for a safer planet for all our children.
Let’s honour the au-pairs, the nannies, the mother’s helpers, the nursery nannies, the child minders, the grandparents who, without too many words, understand the working mother’s guilt and are always there with a reassuring smile or kind word.
Let’s be united in this beautiful, chaotic, wondrous adventure we call motherhood. It goes so fast and one day we find ourselves wondering…
But where in the world did the children vanish?
As we watch them flee the nest, leaving us with a confusing emptiness, praying that the outside world be kind to them.
I leave you with Kahlil Gibran’s divine words on The Mother.
Everything in nature bespeaks the mother. The sun is the mother of earth and gives it its nourishment of heart; it never leaves the universe at night until it has put the earth to sleep to the song of the sea and the hymn of birds and brooks. And this earth is the mother of trees and flowers. It produces them, nurses them, and weans them. The trees and flowers become kind mothers of their great fruits and seeds. And the mother, the prototype of all existence, is the eternal spirit, full of beauty and love.
Happy Mother’s Day!
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