The sun is taking a higher path across the sky, and we are feeling the sun’s light and warmth more directly than a few months ago, but are we feeling the warmth of cupid’s bow?
As I walk down the aisles of my local supermarket, I am bombarded by red roses, cute teddies, heart shaped chocolates, beautiful cards with poetic messages of love… perfect love.
Love is in the air, but is it flowing within you?
My mind darts back to the time my kids were at school. Even at such an early age there was pressure to receive at least one card from someone. It did not really matter who. Even a card from the bully who made your life a misery all year round was preferable than no card at all. The only thing that mattered was that you were not the one left without a card. I even knew a mother who would buy Valentine cards for her children and sign them in a messy, chicken scratchy handwriting. She would then clandestinely send them to her own children’s school. I assure you , although I was tempted to the same, that was not me!
It makes me wonder whether our fundamental human need to be loved, to be special to someone in this world, surpasses our ability to love, and do the arduous labour of love.
But to be in love is a wonderful kind of madness. Who needs to sleep, to eat, to function when our love-struck brains are releasing elevated levels of dopamine, a chemical that gets a reward system going? Dopamine activates the reward circuit, helping to make love a pleasurable experience similar to the euphoria associated with the use of cocaine and alcohol. And much cheaper too and, if we are lucky, with less disastrous consequences. It is us and our beloved against this wicked world. And our beloved is our perfect saviour. Until he is not.
It is when the ‘in love bubble’ bursts that the labour of love must start, and pedestals must be kicked to one side as we face the messy humanity of the beloved. Sadly, that takes wise love that most of us don’t have as we start the complex game of relating. But when relationships work, there is nothing better in this world.
A lot has been written about the origins of Valentines’ Day and to this day historians can’t fully agree. It is believed by some that it originates from the ancient Lupercalia pagan festival. But Lupercalia was far from romantic. It was a bloody, violent, and sexually charged celebration awash with animal sacrifice, random matchmaking and coupling in the hopes of warding off evil spirits and infertility. No need for red roses, cards, champagne, or cute teddies back then, just wild, animalistic sex for procreation.
But where did Saint Valentine originate from? The history of this saint is shrouded in mystery.
The romantic in me wants to believe one legend that contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realising the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered our loving Valentine to be be put to death.
I am firm believer that the greatest love is within us. If we don’t learn how to love ourselves, for all that we are, even the dark parts, our love for others will not flow as easily and our needs will dominate our ability to truly love.
Here is an impossible question for us all:-
Do I love you because I need you, or do I need you because I love you?
The psychologist Carl Gustav Young wrote:-
‘Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.’
So, no matter where you are this Valentine’s Day show yourself some self-love and with self-compassion be kind and gentle to yourself. Do something special alone to soothe your soul and then extend this love to those in your life be they life partners, a brand new love, children, siblings, or treasured friends. Each other is all we have.
When we look over the shoulder of time, the love we feel within and the love we give, are the true gifts of the human experience.
Happy Valentine’s Day
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